Gods goodness Posts

Tearing Down the Walls

Tearing Down the Walls

High walls. Masks, facades, and pretenses. Defenses. Cover-ups.

So many of us live that way, each of us could have passed through one another and looked into those cautious eyes. Each of us has lived stories that we’d rather forget. Some, too painful and unimaginable to tell or even think about. And we have different ways of rising up again from the ashes. For many of us, we go through life creating walls, going into our own world, putting up defenses because we don’t want to be vulnerable and we don’t want the hurt. Yes, we live in a hurting world and some of us don’t want to be part of it. But there are quite a few who are not even aware of the walls they’ve put up, of how they’ve tried on different masks and facades just to go through another day. Of how they think it is already a part of themselves and how they can no longer recognize it. It has pierced through them growing up and it is as if it’s their identity already. They have protected themselves for far too long because no one has protected them.

She hears his steps and she stiffens. She knows there will be beatings again. But more than that, she dreads the harsh, heartrending words that come with it. And she stifles her cries as she thinks of how she is being abandoned with her mom locked up in a psychiatric ward.

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 “Two arrows- He said. Two arrows that have been shot at while growing up. Those are arrows that have been lodged in your heart for so long and you could not even notice, recognize it.  It is probably just a part of your life.”

Asking help from anyone is something I never/rarely do. I push people away when they get close. I’ve tried hard to live life as if I was alone and I grew up a little too soon. No, it wasn’t because of pride but the fear of pain. But I can’t run away from it. Neither can you. And you certainly can’t substitute it with something else- friends, alcohol, drugs or other seemingly pleasurable things-  because it only breeds more pain.

Luke 9: 23- Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.

To be a child of God is to take up our crosses. We can’t pretend that the wounds are not there. We can’t live life making wide circles around pain. Pain can only be taken to the Cross and given to Jesus.

“I’m healing you in your heart. I’m beginning to come into the deep recesses of your heart and pull out those arrows. There’s an arrow I’m beginning to pull. Allow me to come into your heart. Yes, there’s going to be times it’s going to be painful. When things are beginning to resurface, be not afraid. Things resurface for a reason. Even as I resurface some things, know this my daughter that I’m not there to hurt you, not to shame you, not to put you down but I’m there to lift you up, make you the best you can ever be. So know this my daughter, allow me to come, to take the two arrows out of your heart.”

Ask anyone who has had gun bullets taken out from their flesh or anyone who has had to go through a surgery of some kind and they will tell you how excruciating it is. But emotional surgery? The pain is just harrowing.  And of all the things, it has always been the past that seems to scream at me and overwhelm me like crazy. It haunts me and stabs me unlike any other. The past… times when I didn’t know Jesus, yet He has given me grace after grace to endure it. As my friend said, it’s a miracle I didn’t end up deranged- something that only my God can do. Not any of my psychological training, philosophical and humanistic self-studies could save me. Only God can. The same is true for today as I’m confronting the darkness and demons of my past. I don’t want to but I’m trusting Him. No matter how I’ve buried it too far deep down that I can’t even identify it any longer, He is opening up the old wounds. He is there with me, digging it up. And I’m slowly learning that it is crucial for a complete healing. He wants my heart in its entirety. He can’t have it in pieces. And I do want Him to have it completely so I will let Him take me through this, with faith and with courage.

“But no, I will even begin to show you that it is not part of your life, that is not the calling, that is not the destiny. I have not created you to be that. Begin to let it go, let it go, let it go. I’m beginning to even lift you up, to show you who you really are. You’re going to be one who’s going to walk in the fullness of my purpose. The best years are up and coming for you. I’m restoring relationships. There’s going to be some things I’m going to cause you to leave behind, leave behind, leave behind. I’m going to give you new relationships and when the new relationships come, do not be afraid to open up your heart. And you can trust again, you can trust again.”

So I’m opening up my heart slowly. And it is not easy. Not at all. But I have learned that to be scared of being hurt means being scared of loving people. And how can I not love the people around me when the very source of Love keeps on loving me? How can I not when He has loved me even when I hurt Him and whipped those lashes at Him and nailed Him to the cross? How can I not when His love faces me every single day? And He does pour that love to His people. I can trust people because His love is in them. I’ve read somewhere that we should not reject our pain nor should we conceal or bury it, and we shouldn’t judge it. Instead, we have to embrace it as a room to grow in perseverance, character, hope, and faith (Romans 5: 1). It is for us to take the pain to Jesus. It must be nailed to the Cross. For it was on that Cross that He tied Himself to us. It was on that Cross that His heart shatters with pain. We never cry alone.

Letting go, surrendering is hard but I have to let Him refine me. And doesn’t suffering come with growth? So yes, I’m going to open up and trust. Again.

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She flinches as the fists brutally touch her face. Somewhere on the other side of the country, a girl cries because her mom is locked up in jail while her dad is on the run. Yet in another nation, a mother grieves for her dying husband. A teenager sees her family falling apart. And a woman just got her trust broken and thinks her heart will never be whole again.

They have protected themselves for far too long because no one has protected them. Because they didn’t know the Savior.

Because they didn’t know the Savior. They walk alone. Fearful of life. Scared of pain. Because they don’t know there is Someone up there whose heart is bleeding even more. And here is where we come in. No, we are not going to be their savior. But we can be their prayer warrior. We can show the brokenhearted girl to Christ. We can show the hopeless mother to the Cross.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him” Romans 8:28

Because we’ve been through our own kinds of darkness, we can give them the gift of light. God uses our pains to bless someone else, to heal someone else. Will you allow God to place you in a furnace of  fire to refine you into gold? Will you allow Him to transform you even when it entails exploring your past?

Remember that nothing can ever separate you from God’s love (Romans 8:38) even when the pain resurfaces to the core, when the past comes back to life, when the world goes awry. Nothing reminds me of this than being in a broken place. I still cannot fathom His greatness even during seasons like this. It is this greatness (and more) that my fire for Him keeps burning. Even when the enemy keeps blowing if off, I seek for God all the more and it just rekindles every time. It is my prayer that we always always always come into our secret place with God and let Him take us into His arms as He takes care of the battle for us.

Walls down. Grace abounds. The real LOVE. Salvation. Joy.

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© July 1, 2013, Wela. All rights reserved.

My 2012

What a year it has been! I don’t even know where to start. Looking back through my photos from 2012, it’s all quite a ride. And looking back, I haven’t realized how much I’ve done until it’s all over. How fast time flies!

So allow me to do a little recap eh?

Grieving and Healing and Family Love

Healing from the past year’s scars and healing from the death of my maternal grandmother (who has been living with us for 3 years) last March. I did channel that grief and found renewed excitement with the second year of our summer school. The kids have been a sweet delight to my 2012 summer. And I became stronger and wiser.

Aside from my lola’s death, it was also hard for me to see my paternal grandfather being in and out of the ICU- to see what used to be a powerful, influential, strong man now helpless. But ironic how terrible things always have a purpose and how it always has a gem inside it. My grandfather’s sickness opened wounds and healed them slowly. It softened hard hearts and made forgiveness a bit more possible. Blessings came in different disguises and packages. It came in the form of knowing my grandfather more, it came in getting to discover my half and step relatives (from my dad’s side. Our family is kind of complicated so don’t try to analyze it. Lol!) better, it came in listening to my aunt’s life story (whom I haven’t  seen or talked to in more than 16 years) and knowing her more, it came in strengthening my relationship with my cousins.

Grieving and healing has brought a beautiful unveiling of my family and strengthened relationships with them. And before this year ends, my sister whom I haven’t seen in 3 years is here for a month with my brother-in-law. What a way to end and start the year.

Newfound and stronger friendships.

Proverbs 31 women slash my VG girls: Never have been more grateful than with this set of ladies. One left (although she remains a great friend!) but two were added!

Tropang Sunday: And I’ve never been more blessed than this group of men and women! Sundays are always a delight with them around. They make church events and projects more fun and they are simply amazing brothers and sisters to me.

Victory Park: They inject fun and blessings to my work. Lunch has never been the same since they came into my life.

Childhood friends: They were there during my silly, goofy, and nonsense moments. They were there during my crazy days. ‘Nuff said. 😉

ePerformax Buddies: The moment I met up with them again, I knew they’d be friends whom I can always count on. They’re the ones who know my ludicrous business ideas and other irrational, stupid ideas yet loves me for it.

And my other friends! They say that true friends are hard to find but I am blessed to have a lot of friends who are real! I’m not the friendliest person there is nor am I sociable or an extrovert but God gave me numerous friends on different seasons of my life and they have stayed with me through the years. I am eternally grateful to God for all of them.

 

Restoration, favor, healing

2012 has also been a year marked by reunions and comebacks, allowing restoration and total healing.

I lost a grandma yet God gave me another chance to be a full-time granddaughter. My paternal grandmother who has been living in Hong Kong for more than 15 years has decided to come back and make Cebu her home. Although I don’t live with her, I know there’ll be more time to be with her.

Friends I haven’t seen in years also came for quick visits and it gave me chances to bond with them again.

And again, my sister and my brother-in-law are in town! 😉

 

Favors and Blessings

I’ve said this time and time again and I’ll say it again: My client at work has been such a blessing. I get to work an average of 5 hours a day and still get paid for 8 hours of work. They are the kindest and coolest client I’ve ever had.

Although it has a been a tough year financially, God has never left us unfed. He has always provided and He always will.

 

Fruitfulness and Servanthood

Around June or July of 2011, someone prophesied that God will be asking me to step out with my talents. Who knew that a year later I’d be creating and designing for stages and rooms for events? Camp Happy Kids Center classrooms, Regional VisMin LifeBox Convergence, White Night Volunteers’ Appreciation Night, LifeHub Christmas party are just among the few events that I’m privileged to help out with the stage designs.

The ministries that God has given me have been such blessings as well. I dabbled with a flea market business and it was a great learning experience. He has taught me a lot on commitment, on servanthood, on sharing talents, and on excellence.

 

2012 In A Nutshell

It was a healing of all sorts and a slow rediscovery of who I was. It was about knowing my heart better and truly understanding whom it should beat for. The second quarter was mostly on taking servanthood to a level unlike anything before and taking my faith a step further- farther to where it has never been. Revelations  from the Holy Spirit that sent me into tears almost everyday. A trying yet peaceful rediscovery of life.

How different am I from last year! How different!

I laugh so easily now. I relate well with people. I understand more. I empathize more. And I am more open (hence the blog!). So different. More joyful and peaceful.

It has been a year of different webs. God has been amazing and He always will be. He has been a great Father and Teacher. I know there are still a lot more to learn.

Through all these, I have re-learned to truly appreciate life and to share the One that has given me this joy, the One who has saved me time and time again. Life after all is too precious. A year has only 365 days…too limited (James 4:13-14). Cherish it. 🙂

As always, God held 2012 for us. I can’t have anyone hold it for me but Him. And I will say it again: God’s faithfulness is INCOMPARABLE. 

(Photo from ravirajcoomar.deviantart.com)