healing Posts

WAKE-UP CALL 1 (2014): MY MIND

WAKE-UP CALL 1 (2014): MY MIND

Where do you go when your senses become dull and you seem to be losing a grip on reality and logic? How do you respond when your mental faculties are not as sharp as they once were? And how do you pray when it seems like you’re being drugged and everything is a blur?

That’s what happened to me. I was confined to a hospital for 5 days in a foreign country— a place where I thought happiness, excitement, and adventure can be found. Instead I found myself sick to the point of death. I found my husband (then-boyfriend) on the brink of sheer exhaustion.

Early morning (around 3-4am) on the 22nd of April 2014, I was shivering like crazy and I couldn’t breathe. I was TRYING to catch my breath. But I couldn’t. It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever experienced. Trying to catch my breath, grasping for air when there wasn’t any. It was frightening…I felt like I was watching myself slowly die yet still wanting to live and fighting for that air of life. In between breaths (even if practically there wasn’t), I shouted in frustration and in defiance of death, “God please!” as my boyfriend told me that we were going to the hospital. You see, I’ve always fought with my willpower for my physical health. I’m God’s living miracle. Whereas other people with my condition would not be able to walk long distances, I can. And not in a snail-paced way. Where others are not supposed to carry heavy stuff, I would. Where others are not supposed to feel intense emotions especially anger and pain, I have felt the deepest of pains and have for the longest time locked it in within myself…a grave thing to do. And I have survived, I have thrived. So to be at this point of pure surrender of will, logic, intellect, and physically as well was way out of any zone I’ve ventured into. Believe me, I am one of the most flexible person you would know. Getting out of comfort zones has always been an interesting and exciting adventure for me. But this…this was different. Not when it involved other people, not when I knew I’d inconvenience someone. And not when everything in me wasn’t in tune. I was like a broken car that just sat there and let the people fix me physically and mentally. Sure, there were times when I’d be my own self and I’d snap out of the biological mutiny that was somehow ruining my body and brain. But those were few and far between. I experienced septic shock, a fatal medical condition wherein a few of my bodily systems shut down.

Septic shock is a life-threatening condition that happens when your blood pressure drops to a dangerously low level after an infection. It includes a change in your mental state such as confusion or disorientation. Septic shock is a medical emergency. – NHS UK (http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/septic-shock/Pages/Introduction.aspx)

I also had infective endocarditis, acute pyelonephritis, and hypokalemia. And the doctors were extremely alarmed that it would affect my heart problem. I was born with a congenital heart disease called Ventral Septal Defect, plus pulmonary hypertension. I never had surgery because a doctor in Manila gave my parents a very small percentage chance of me being able to live if I was to undergo a surgery, due to the pulmonary hypertension. Later on, I was diagnosed with Tetralogy of Fallot with cyanosis. However in Korea, the doctors gave me a different diagnosis: Eisenmenger Syndrome. I have read about it before and I was really worried. It was a different kind of heart problem that to me was among the worst heart diseases. The doctors in that hospital wanted to do a heart surgery. And I knew in my heart that they would have been capable, however it required me to stay longer and millions of pesos for me to undergo the operation. I had to decline. All I wanted at that moment was to get well from the infections.

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Frankly, this should be nothing new to someone like me…someone whose trips to the hospitals have made me well-known with the nurses and doctors. I have been to different hospitals numerous times. I have been to doctors countless of times. I have taken series of tests countless more times. But this was taking it to a whole new higher level. Why?

Because it took away one thing that I never experienced with all the hospital admissions I’ve had in my life. My mind. My intellectual mind, my rational and logical mind.

Sure, I’ve experienced being slightly disoriented whenever I got sick. But this time I wasn’t just disoriented, I was experiencing hallucinations, delusions, and delirium. I would hear people talking in Filipino. Every time I close my eyes (even just to rest it for a second or two), I would see weird, anime cartoonish images (I’m not an anime fan nor do I watch cartoons much) that I have never seen before. I would also feel like I was being transported to an alien kind of world. Sometimes I’d feel like there was something going on with the people around the hospital. One time, I felt that I was an experimental subject and that they were just fooling me into thinking that I was sick. And another time, I called my boyfriend through Viber (he went to the hotel to check out) only to tell him that I didn’t know what I was calling for, then I texted him a lot of lunatic, nonsense stuff. I thought the enemy was playing with my mind…maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t. I now know though, that it was because of the medical drugs that they injected into my body and because of hypokalemia itself.

And then there was the extreme discomfort. I was in a very small ER space (no, it’s not even a room) for 5 days. There were a lot of tubes in my body and I had a blood pressure apparatus on my right arm 24/7. I also had a catheter inserted down somewhere private and a small tube injected inside my neck. They said it was for my blood pressure (I had the lowest blood pressure by the way – from 75 to 65 to 14 mm Hg). I have also been nauseous for the most part and throwing up was normal. So were the dizzy spells. Doing the call of nature was extremely hard because you had to do it by yourself, ask for help or you had to wait on the very busy nurses. Communication with them was really hard as well. Dirty and uncomfortable. In physical and mental pain. Ridiculously high hospital bills. And you add in the equation of seeing your boyfriend with no sleep and immensely exhausted.

Korea2It. Was. Hard.

It was hard being in pain and not being able to muster courage like I did before, which would often diminish the pain I’d be feeling (I had high tolerance for pain). It was hard seeing Dan doing all those things that he needed to do. I’ve always been the independent kind of girl. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone especially to people I love. I don’t like it when I hassle or inconvenience people, even when they don’t really feel that way. I guess it was my upbringing that led me to this “DIY” attitude. It was hard being in the hospital bed and not being the one encouraging and praying for the sick. It was hard seeing the people who visited me in the hospital and not being able to truly tell them how much I appreciate everything they did. All I could utter was “Thank You”. It was hard being away from my family because they were always the ones there for me whenever I got sick. It was hard not seeing familiar faces because it meant not knowing when I could go home.

And it was hard because everything really was held back from me. I did not have an ounce of control with anything. My body strapped there in the bed (I had to lie down in a certain manner and I was not allowed to have a pillow), my mind was somewhere else (literally!), my emotions were all a blur. I felt like a puppet or a doll just lying limp. Writing this now, it felt like nothing was left of me.

It felt like I lost myself— a very huge part of myself…after all, it involved my physical aspect and my  rational capacity. Sure, I’ve had seasons wherein a lot of my securities in life were taken away. I had financial problems and careers ending but God provided for me because I had faith that He would. I had loved ones taken away and having my heart shattered but I rose up because Jesus healed my heart. I trusted Him to heal it and restore. But this one was different. I was only able to pray whenever people would pray for me, which even then my mind was still totally tired, because I had to force myself to wake up and be with them as they visit me. But other than that, I seemed to have lost my senses. It was the first time that I could not rely on my mind.

I realized now how some things, unintentionally or without you knowing, can become an idol in our life and how we actually count on them for security. I have never in my life thought that my mind/brain had become an idol.

Yet I have trusted it far too many times especially when things were hard…especially when I had physical pains. And the ironic part? I had taken it for granted as well. You see, I’m a writer and my language has always been through the written words. I express better through words. In order to write, I needed a fully functioning brain. The enemy aimed for my health— both physically and mentally— to silence me. He still does that today but I will not let him win. God will not let him. I’m not yet completely healed (I get occasional UTIs and hypokalemia, and still uncertain about my heart disease prognosis) but it doesn’t mean that God has not healed me. He has saved me. I could have died but He didn’t allow me to succumb to death because I still have to help bring people to Him. Not that He needs people to help Him; He is our all-powerful God after all. But He wants to use me. He wants me to use my mind and my life to glorify Him. That was my wake-up call— never to take my mind, my talent, my words, and my intellect for granted. I’ll use it to honor God. I have such an “ADHD” personality, I have so many ideas in mind but I procrastinate a lot. A LOT. It’s going to take faith, prayers, discipline, and God’s grace to take me through it. I also need to have good health physically because whatever goes on my body can affect the mind.

I may not yet be completely healed but it doesn’t mean I can’t worship God or be grateful to Him. I am. I know that some people may not truly understand what I really did go through but God does. At the end of the day, I only have Him. Of course, there’s my spiritual family and there’s my husband whom I have learned so much about faith. So I am grateful. I am eternally grateful that I just have to share this story, no matter how much I wanted to keep it private. And I’ll keep believing for the complete healing. I want you to do that too, in your own life.

What are you believing for today? Are you still worshipping God despite the fact that what you’re believing for hasn’t happened yet? 

Take one day at a time. Have faith for today. And then the next day, and so on. Know that God sees you and cares for you. He is sovereign and always will be.

God has given me chances upon chances when it came to my physical health. I have been sick for far too many times and He has continued to heal me. Despite the fact that I rebelled against my disease in the past (when I didn’t know Him yet), He chose to still heal me. I am thankful that He has let me live. And I am grateful for what happened in that ER in Korea a year ago. God has shown His saving power time and again. I look back and see how the money that the hospital required seemed so huge and impossible to be paid but we left with a bill that was smaller than their required deposit (and God used my earthly father and sister to be able to pay for it! And some people helped too). I’ve experienced and seen the people’s love through raising finances, giving money, and letting us borrow without us even asking. I saw how people have prayed for us. And despite everything, it’s all been such a beautiful wake-up call.

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*To know more on what happened after and the proposal that happened (yes, my husband proposed at the hospital!), click here: WelDan Engagement .

Tearing Down the Walls

Tearing Down the Walls

High walls. Masks, facades, and pretenses. Defenses. Cover-ups.

So many of us live that way, each of us could have passed through one another and looked into those cautious eyes. Each of us has lived stories that we’d rather forget. Some, too painful and unimaginable to tell or even think about. And we have different ways of rising up again from the ashes. For many of us, we go through life creating walls, going into our own world, putting up defenses because we don’t want to be vulnerable and we don’t want the hurt. Yes, we live in a hurting world and some of us don’t want to be part of it. But there are quite a few who are not even aware of the walls they’ve put up, of how they’ve tried on different masks and facades just to go through another day. Of how they think it is already a part of themselves and how they can no longer recognize it. It has pierced through them growing up and it is as if it’s their identity already. They have protected themselves for far too long because no one has protected them.

She hears his steps and she stiffens. She knows there will be beatings again. But more than that, she dreads the harsh, heartrending words that come with it. And she stifles her cries as she thinks of how she is being abandoned with her mom locked up in a psychiatric ward.

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 “Two arrows- He said. Two arrows that have been shot at while growing up. Those are arrows that have been lodged in your heart for so long and you could not even notice, recognize it.  It is probably just a part of your life.”

Asking help from anyone is something I never/rarely do. I push people away when they get close. I’ve tried hard to live life as if I was alone and I grew up a little too soon. No, it wasn’t because of pride but the fear of pain. But I can’t run away from it. Neither can you. And you certainly can’t substitute it with something else- friends, alcohol, drugs or other seemingly pleasurable things-  because it only breeds more pain.

Luke 9: 23- Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.

To be a child of God is to take up our crosses. We can’t pretend that the wounds are not there. We can’t live life making wide circles around pain. Pain can only be taken to the Cross and given to Jesus.

“I’m healing you in your heart. I’m beginning to come into the deep recesses of your heart and pull out those arrows. There’s an arrow I’m beginning to pull. Allow me to come into your heart. Yes, there’s going to be times it’s going to be painful. When things are beginning to resurface, be not afraid. Things resurface for a reason. Even as I resurface some things, know this my daughter that I’m not there to hurt you, not to shame you, not to put you down but I’m there to lift you up, make you the best you can ever be. So know this my daughter, allow me to come, to take the two arrows out of your heart.”

Ask anyone who has had gun bullets taken out from their flesh or anyone who has had to go through a surgery of some kind and they will tell you how excruciating it is. But emotional surgery? The pain is just harrowing.  And of all the things, it has always been the past that seems to scream at me and overwhelm me like crazy. It haunts me and stabs me unlike any other. The past… times when I didn’t know Jesus, yet He has given me grace after grace to endure it. As my friend said, it’s a miracle I didn’t end up deranged- something that only my God can do. Not any of my psychological training, philosophical and humanistic self-studies could save me. Only God can. The same is true for today as I’m confronting the darkness and demons of my past. I don’t want to but I’m trusting Him. No matter how I’ve buried it too far deep down that I can’t even identify it any longer, He is opening up the old wounds. He is there with me, digging it up. And I’m slowly learning that it is crucial for a complete healing. He wants my heart in its entirety. He can’t have it in pieces. And I do want Him to have it completely so I will let Him take me through this, with faith and with courage.

“But no, I will even begin to show you that it is not part of your life, that is not the calling, that is not the destiny. I have not created you to be that. Begin to let it go, let it go, let it go. I’m beginning to even lift you up, to show you who you really are. You’re going to be one who’s going to walk in the fullness of my purpose. The best years are up and coming for you. I’m restoring relationships. There’s going to be some things I’m going to cause you to leave behind, leave behind, leave behind. I’m going to give you new relationships and when the new relationships come, do not be afraid to open up your heart. And you can trust again, you can trust again.”

So I’m opening up my heart slowly. And it is not easy. Not at all. But I have learned that to be scared of being hurt means being scared of loving people. And how can I not love the people around me when the very source of Love keeps on loving me? How can I not when He has loved me even when I hurt Him and whipped those lashes at Him and nailed Him to the cross? How can I not when His love faces me every single day? And He does pour that love to His people. I can trust people because His love is in them. I’ve read somewhere that we should not reject our pain nor should we conceal or bury it, and we shouldn’t judge it. Instead, we have to embrace it as a room to grow in perseverance, character, hope, and faith (Romans 5: 1). It is for us to take the pain to Jesus. It must be nailed to the Cross. For it was on that Cross that He tied Himself to us. It was on that Cross that His heart shatters with pain. We never cry alone.

Letting go, surrendering is hard but I have to let Him refine me. And doesn’t suffering come with growth? So yes, I’m going to open up and trust. Again.

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She flinches as the fists brutally touch her face. Somewhere on the other side of the country, a girl cries because her mom is locked up in jail while her dad is on the run. Yet in another nation, a mother grieves for her dying husband. A teenager sees her family falling apart. And a woman just got her trust broken and thinks her heart will never be whole again.

They have protected themselves for far too long because no one has protected them. Because they didn’t know the Savior.

Because they didn’t know the Savior. They walk alone. Fearful of life. Scared of pain. Because they don’t know there is Someone up there whose heart is bleeding even more. And here is where we come in. No, we are not going to be their savior. But we can be their prayer warrior. We can show the brokenhearted girl to Christ. We can show the hopeless mother to the Cross.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him” Romans 8:28

Because we’ve been through our own kinds of darkness, we can give them the gift of light. God uses our pains to bless someone else, to heal someone else. Will you allow God to place you in a furnace of  fire to refine you into gold? Will you allow Him to transform you even when it entails exploring your past?

Remember that nothing can ever separate you from God’s love (Romans 8:38) even when the pain resurfaces to the core, when the past comes back to life, when the world goes awry. Nothing reminds me of this than being in a broken place. I still cannot fathom His greatness even during seasons like this. It is this greatness (and more) that my fire for Him keeps burning. Even when the enemy keeps blowing if off, I seek for God all the more and it just rekindles every time. It is my prayer that we always always always come into our secret place with God and let Him take us into His arms as He takes care of the battle for us.

Walls down. Grace abounds. The real LOVE. Salvation. Joy.

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© July 1, 2013, Wela. All rights reserved.